Nuacht Aoir
Classified Report
Zombie Containment
The above image was taken from the front page of a report issued by the Federal government about the Zombie Containment – or rather, the lack of Zombie Containment – in Grant County. Yes, the word "Classifed" is misspelled.
All Hallows Eve – Halloween – may be a little spookier this year in Catron, Grant, Hidalgo, and Luna Counties.
Nuacht Aoir has learned – exclusively – that the Zombie Containment in the Borough of ei-Zombiestan has failed.
In a Classified (correct spelling) Report, the Federal government has now acknowledged that Zombies may be on the loose on the streets of Silver City, Lordsburg, Reserve, and Deming. Zombies may also be roaming the roadways of Mimbres and Pinos Altos, two of the communities located closest to the Borough of ei-Zombiestan. Zombies may also be running towards Hachita on their way to the border. (The super-secret Classified Report did not indicate whether the Zombies were running for the International Border with Mexico or trying to find the nearest fast service restaurant in the area.)
Loyal readers of Nuacht Aoir may recall that the Borough of ei-Zombiestan was created from lands that had been previously included in the Aldo Leopold Wilderness of the Gila National Forest. The land was once considered part of Grant County, but disappeared in reports from the United States Census Bureau in the 2020 Census.
This is the territory that had been set aside for the ZLAFC – the ei-Zombie-ei ei-Liberation-ei ei-And-ei ei-Freedom-ei ei-Coalition-ei.
(We have learned that Zombies add an "ei" to the beginning and the end of every word translated from ei-Zombie-ei – the official language of the Zombie ethnic group – to American English.)
The Borough of ei-Zombiestan has been under direct control of the Federal government.
The Zombie leadership – the brain trust of the nation's newest ethnic group – promised the Federal government that the Zombies would stay within the confines of the Borough of ei-Zombiestan.
Nuacht Aoir was the first to report – heck, we have been the only trusted news source that has reported details about the Zombie resettlement program in Grant County – that the Zombies had plans to expand the Borough of ei-Zombiestan right from the beginning.
"We have watched how the wolves travel freely from the areas where the Federal government initially placed them," said ei-Herbert-ei, one of the members of the brain trust of the Zombies. "We determined if the wolves could visit other areas of Southwestern New Mexico – beyond where they were initially dropped off by Federal officials – then we – the proud residents of the Borough of ei-Zombiestan – should also be able to travel freely in the region."
"Plus, the brains of those wolves are mighty tasty," ei-Herbert-ei continued. "Just add some greens, and you have a nice salad. Very nutritious."
(Please note, dear readers, that Nuacht Aoir has translated the grunts, howls, and other noises emitting from ei-Herbert-ei as they (he? or she? or it?) spoke in the ei-Zombie-ei language. Gender appears to be fluid – literally fluid – among some of the Zombies. "Herbert" was the name given by Nuacht Aoir to this specific Zombie for no particular reason.)
(Please also note: Nuacht Aoir stayed at a great distance during the interview with ei-Herbert-ei so as not to be assimilated into the Zombie ethnic group. Thus, translations might not be 100% accurate.)
"As we'd follow the wolves, we realized that there were even tastier foods in the region," ei-Herbert-ei said. "Sure, we find some of you humanoids that wander into our Borough. We welcome them with open arms – well, some of us have arms to welcome them – to become part of our Great Nation."
"We've learned to let the wolves scare the humanoids first," ei-Herbert-ei continued. "Let them encourage the humanoids to run. As the exhausted humanoids rest, we pounce."
ei-Herbert-ei added: "The nice part of this strategy is that the wolves get the blame for attacking the humanoids. And the humanoids that we let live get blamed for attacking the wolves. Nobody, it seems, notices us. We know how to use our brains."
As you trick-or-treat tonight during All Hallows Eve, please be on the lookout for Zombies. Ghouls, ghosts, and witches may also be on the loose. Not to mention, some princesses, superheroes, and others wearing costumes that match the imagination.
Have a Happy Halloween!
(Please note that "Nuacht Aoir" is Irish for "satirical news.")
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